When relationships end, one question always sticks around: Should we stay friends? Many breakups are good reasons to develop real friendships, but others will only cause both people to have a harder time moving on from each other.
The answer to this question will depend on the specifics of the breakup, the ongoing feelings of both parties, and the expectations both people have from the friendship.
By honestly answering these 10 questions before sending your ex a friendly message or asking them to grab coffee, you will be able to see whether continuing your friendship is truly a good thing for either of you.
1. Why Do You Really Want To Stay Friends?
Be honest with yourself about the reason you want to stay friends. Do you really want to create a friendship, or are you hoping the relationship could start again sometime?
Many people who want to stay ‘friends’ are using it as a way to feel safe, still hoping to have the opportunity to get back together with their ex, and this type of friendship will likely cause you more sorrow.
2. Have You Had Enough Time Apart?
It’s hard to go directly from being in a relationship to being friends, especially when you are still trying to remove your old relationship habits from your daily life.
Texting, providing emotional support, and going out on dates will look and feel the same since you are still emotionally close as you were when you were dating.
Having some distance from your ex will help both of you get a better understanding of what it feels like to live your lives separately.
3. What Was The Nature Of The Breakup?
How the breakup occurred is also important. A peaceful end caused by differing life goals is different than a breakup due to betrayal, manipulation, or a series of disrespectful acts.
The continued friendship shouldn’t attempt to cover up serious problems that existed in the relationship. If your self-confidence or feelings of safety were damaged by the relationship, having distance from the person may be more beneficial than maintaining contact.
The most respectful ending may be to acknowledge that they were once important to you, but they no longer play an important role in your life.
4. Are You Okay With Them Having Another Girlfriend/Boyfriend?
This is one of the clearest tests. Imagine your ex has introduced you to their new girlfriend/boyfriend, posted pictures on social media of them with their new partner, and excitedly told you about them.
The thought of them doing this may cause you to feel severe jealousy or hope they break up with their new partner.
If that is the case, you are not yet ready for friendship, even if you eventually hope to achieve a place of indifference. A true friendship between two individuals requires acceptance that one of them is allowed to date other people.
5. Have Your Boundaries Been Clearly Defined?
Often, having a friendship with an ex can become very 紛らわしい when both individuals are continuing certain behaviors that are from the old relationship.
Late-night conversations, physical touch, consistent messaging, and relying too heavily on one another for emotional support can easily lead to a blurred line in a friendship.
A shared understanding of what the new friendship entails is necessary for both parties. Establishing clear boundaries will ensure all individuals involved are protected while also providing fewer mixed signals between the involved parties.
6. Are You Using Friendship To Avoid Loneliness?
When going through the breakup process, an individual may find themselves suddenly void of someone to text for lunch, share little things with, or call at the end of the day.
Staying friends can help to fill that void in the short term, but it may also keep you from developing new connections & routines.
Ask yourself if you are truly missing the individual or have simply grown accustomed to having someone around to fill your loneliness.
7. Does The Friendship Stop You From Dating?
Do you frequently use your previous partner to compare prospective partners with?
By not letting your ex define new romantic relationships, you can begin to remove yourself from previous emotional attachments.
If your ex holds an emotional place in your heart, it will be impossible for you to form a real connection with someone new. This is a clear sign you should not stay friends with your ex.
8. Is The Friendship Equal?
If you are putting in all the effort to be friends with your ex, and the other person only reaches out to you when they are lonely, bored, or having problems in their romantic life, it is likely that the effort you are putting into the friendship is not reciprocated.
You may notice that they show no interest in your life and are only using you for the emotional support that they had in your previous relationship.
It is unfair for the friendship to continue and for them to be able to take all of the benefits of the old relationship without committing to you or providing any form of consistency.
9. Do You Feel Better Or Worse After Seeing Them?
When you spend time with your ex, your emotional state can tell you more about how you truly feel than your act of establishing a friendship ever will. If you spend time with them and feel calm, respected, and happy after the time together, then the friendship is healthy.
However, if you spend time with them and leave feeling anxious and not knowing whether what they said means something or not, then there is something unhealthy about that friendship, even if you enjoyed the time together.
The key to deciding whether a friendship is healthy is how you feel once the moment is over, rather than how you feel when the two of you are around each other.
10. Would Distance Actually Bring More Peace?
Many people think that the only way to truly appreciate a relationship is by maintaining a friendship after the breakup. In many instances, the friendship can be a reminder of what the two of you once shared and will create a separation between you.
Many times, it is possible for two people to remain friends if they are both truly over the relationship. In addition, there are times when being friends after a breakup has created jealousy, confusion, false hope for a possible reconciliation, and emotional setbacks for each individual.
だから if a friendship is to remain beneficial to both individuals, then the two individuals breaking up is most likely going to allow both of you to continue to grow, rather than continue to hold one another back from growing because either both or one of you is still remaining attached to the past.
Born and raised in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Ever since I was a little girl, my imagination knew no bounds. I remember vividly how I’d scribble down short stories, each page bursting with adventures and characters conjured up from the whimsy of my mind. These stories weren’t just for me; they were my way of connecting with my friends, offering them a slice of my fantasy world during our playtimes. The joy and excitement on their faces as we dived into my fictional realms motivated me to keep writing. This early passion for storytelling naturally evolved into my pursuit of writing, turning a childhood hobby into a fulfilling career.