Friendships should be supportive, honest, and balanced, but sometimes people pretend to be our friends for their own gain. Spotting these fake friends early can save us from hurt feelings and wasted time.
Real friends build us up and stick around through good and bad times, while fake ones take more than they give.
Here are ten warning signs that someone might be pretending to be your friend just to use you.
1. They Vanish When You Need Help
Suddenly, your friend is nowhere to be found when you’re in trouble. They were super available when they needed your help moving apartments last month, but now that you need a ride to the doctor, their phone goes straight to voicemail.
Fair-weather friends show up only when skies are clear or when they want something. They have endless excuses for why they couldn’t be there during your tough times. Meanwhile, they expect you to drop everything when they call.
Notice this pattern? Keep track of how often they’re mysteriously busy when you need support versus how quickly they appear when they want something from you.
2. Conversations Are Always About Them
Ever notice how your lunch dates become one-person shows? You barely finish a sentence about your promotion before they’ve redirected the conversation to their job drama for the next hour.
Real friends care about your life and thoughts. They ask questions and remember details about what’s happening with you. Fake friends, however, see conversations as stages for their own stories.
Pay attention to how often they interrupt you or check their phone while you’re talking. If you feel like just an audience member in your friendship, that’s a major red flag they’re not invested in you as a person.
3. They Break Promises Regularly
“I’ll definitely be there!” they promise, but come Saturday, you’re sitting alone at the movie theater checking your watch. This isn’t the first time, either. Their commitments to you seem written in disappearing ink.
Reliable friends make genuine efforts to keep their word. They value your trust and understand that consistency builds strong relationships. When plans change, they give proper notice and suggest alternatives.
Someone who consistently flakes on plans with you but somehow makes it to other social events (which you often see on social media) is showing you exactly where you rank in their priorities. Their actions speak volumes about how much they truly value your friendship.
4. Your Secrets Don’t Stay Secret
Remember that embarrassing story you shared in confidence? Somehow everyone at school knows about it now. When confronted, your “friend” shrugs it off as no big deal or claims they only told one person.
Trust forms the foundation of real friendship. A true friend guards your personal information like their own, understanding that confidentiality is sacred. They would never use your vulnerabilities as currency in social situations.
A person who readily shares your private information is showing a profound lack of respect. They’re treating your personal life as gossip material, which suggests they value the attention they get from sharing your secrets more than they value your friendship.
5. They Put You Down in Front of Others
“Just kidding!” they say after making a cutting remark about your appearance at the party. But somehow their “jokes” always leave you feeling smaller, especially when others are around to witness your humiliation.
Friends build each other up, not tear each other down. Occasional teasing between friends is normal, but there’s a clear line between playful banter and hurtful comments designed to diminish you.
Watch for the context of their criticisms. Do they tend to belittle you more when certain people are present? A person who uses you as the punchline to impress others is showing exactly how they view your friendship—as a tool for their social advancement rather than a relationship they truly value.
6. They Compete Instead of Celebrate
You finally got that promotion you’ve been working toward for months! Instead of congratulations, your friend immediately launches into a story about their own career prospects or subtly undermines your achievement. “Oh, I heard that department has terrible work-life balance…”
Genuine friends celebrate your wins as if they were their own. They don’t feel threatened by your success or try to one-up you with their accomplishments. Your happiness genuinely makes them happy.
Someone who can’t muster sincere enthusiasm for your good news or constantly shifts focus to themselves when you’re succeeding might be more interested in keeping you in their shadow than in your actual friendship. Their competitive behavior reveals their insecurity and lack of true connection to you.
7. They’re Only Nice When They Want Something
Suddenly, you’re getting sweet texts and offers to hang out. What changed? Oh right—they need to borrow your car this weekend. You’ve noticed this pattern before: their kindness has a price tag attached.
Friendship shouldn’t feel transactional. Real friends maintain consistent warmth and interest in your life, not just when they need a favor. They give without keeping score and help without expecting immediate returns.
Keep an eye on timing. Does their friendliness spike just before they ask for something and then cool off afterward? This cyclical behavior reveals that they see you primarily as a resource rather than a person they genuinely care about. True friendship exists even when there’s nothing tangible to gain.
8. They Use Guilt to Control You
“After everything I’ve done for you…” they sigh dramatically when you can’t drop your study plans to help them move. Somehow, you always end up feeling terrible when you set perfectly reasonable boundaries.
Emotional manipulation is a powerful tool of fake friends. They weaponize your good nature against you, making you feel selfish for having normal needs and limits. They might exaggerate what they’ve done for you or remind you of past favors constantly.
Healthy friendships don’t involve emotional scorekeeping. If you frequently feel guilty, anxious, or like you’re walking on eggshells around someone, they might be manipulating you. Real friends respect your decisions without making you feel bad about them, even when disappointed.
9. They Ignore Your Boundaries
You’ve mentioned several times that you don’t like surprise visits, yet they continue showing up at your door unannounced. Or maybe they borrow your things without asking, despite your clear requests to stop.
Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships. When someone repeatedly ignores your expressed limits, they’re demonstrating a fundamental lack of respect for you. They’re prioritizing their desires over your comfort and needs.
A person who truly values you will make efforts to understand and honor your boundaries, even if they don’t initially understand them. They recognize that respecting your space and preferences is part of respecting you as a person. Consistent boundary violations suggest they care more about what you can provide than about your wellbeing.
10. The Friendship Feels Unbalanced
You’re always the one offering rides, paying for lunch, or providing emotional support during their crises. When’s the last time they returned any of these favors? You can’t remember because it rarely happens.
Friendship should involve give and take. While there may be periods where one person needs more support than the other, overall there should be a sense of balance and reciprocity. Both people should feel valued and supported.
Try this test: stop initiating contact or offering help for a while. Does the friendship continue, or does it fade away? Someone who only takes from you without giving back isn’t really a friend—they’re just using your generosity to make their own life easier while offering little in return.
