Growing up doesn’t mean we stop affecting our parents’ feelings. As adults, we often get caught up in our own lives and forget how our actions impact those who raised us.
Many parents silently endure behaviors from their grown children that cause them deep pain.
Understanding these unintentional hurtful actions can help strengthen family bonds and create healthier relationships with the people who have loved us longest.
1. Only Calling When You Need Something
Parents notice patterns. When your calls only come before birthdays, holidays, or when your car breaks down, it stings more than you realize. This transactional relationship makes them feel like an ATM or service provider rather than family.
Many parents won’t mention this hurt directly. Instead, they’ll happily help while privately wondering why you never call just to chat or share good news. Try reaching out regularly without an agenda.
A quick “just checking in” call on an ordinary Tuesday can mean everything to a parent who misses being part of your everyday life, not just your emergency contact.
2. Dismissing Their Advice Without Listening
“Mom, you don’t understand how things work nowadays.” Words like these cut deep. Your parents have navigated decades of life experiences and genuinely want to help you avoid pitfalls they’ve encountered.
When you immediately shut down their input without even considering it, you’re not just rejecting advice—you’re dismissing a lifetime of wisdom they hoped would benefit you. This reaction makes them feel obsolete and unvalued.
You don’t have to follow every suggestion, but listening respectfully acknowledges their experience. Sometimes their “outdated” perspective might surprise you with its relevance to your modern challenges.
3. Oversharing Family Conflicts with Others
Venting to friends about your mom’s quirks or dad’s annoying habits might seem harmless, but parents feel deeply betrayed when private family matters become public knowledge.
That argument you shared for laughs at dinner parties? Your parents would be mortified knowing their personal struggles are entertainment. Family conflicts should generally stay within family boundaries.
When outsiders know intimate details about your parents’ marriage troubles or financial struggles, it violates their privacy and dignity.
Before sharing family stories, ask yourself: “Would I want my private struggles discussed this way?” Respecting your parents’ right to privacy shows maturity and compassion they deeply appreciate.
4. Forgetting Important Dates and Milestones
Remember how your parents never missed your school plays or birthdays? The pain runs deep when you consistently forget their anniversary or other significant dates that matter to them. Unlike friends who might shrug off a missed birthday, parents often internalize these oversights.
For many parents, especially as they age, celebrations become precious markers of connection in increasingly quiet lives. A forgotten milestone can leave them feeling invisible and unimportant in your world. Set calendar reminders for their special days.
Even a thoughtful text shows you’re holding space for them in your busy life and acknowledges the continued importance of their milestones.
5. Criticizing Their Parenting in Front of Grandchildren
“Well, that’s not how we’re raising our kids” cuts like a knife, especially when said in front of grandchildren. Publicly critiquing your upbringing undermines your parents’ confidence and authority with the next generation they dearly love.
Parents already second-guess the mistakes they made raising you. Hearing these shortcomings highlighted in front of impressionable grandchildren creates shame and embarrassment they don’t deserve.
If you have genuine concerns about parenting approaches, discuss them privately. Allow your parents the dignity of being respected figures to their grandchildren, even if your parenting philosophy differs from theirs.
6. Excluding Them From Major Life Decisions
Finding out about your engagement, career change, or cross-country move through social media or family gossip devastates parents who once bandaged your skinned knees.
They don’t expect decision-making power in your adult life, but being informed makes them feel valued and connected. Many parents struggle with their evolving role as you become more independent.
Being left out of significant life events amplifies feelings that they’re no longer important in your story. Including parents in your journey doesn’t mean seeking permission.
A simple “I wanted you to know first” phone call acknowledges their special place in your life and offers the respect they’ve earned through years of supporting you.
7. Constantly Canceling Plans
Your mom spent all week preparing your favorite meal, only to receive your last-minute cancellation text. Repeatedly breaking commitments with parents sends a clear message that they’re not a priority in your busy life.
Parents understand occasional changes in plans, but a pattern of cancellations creates genuine heartache. They’ve structured their day—perhaps even their week—around seeing you.
The solution is simple: treat plans with parents as seriously as you would an important work meeting. If you must cancel, do it well in advance and immediately suggest a new date to show they still matter to you.
8. Taking Their Financial Support for Granted
That “small loan” from your parents might have come from their retirement savings. Many adult children don’t realize the sacrifices behind parental financial help, treating it as an expected service rather than the significant gift it represents.
Parents rarely reveal the true cost of their generosity. They’ll skip vacations or delay home repairs to help you with rent or car payments, all while downplaying their sacrifice when you thank them.
Acknowledging their help meaningfully—through prompt repayment when possible, sincere gratitude, and recognition of what it cost them—shows maturity. Remember that financial support from aging parents often comes at a much higher personal cost than they’ll ever admit to you.
9. Avoiding Difficult Conversations About Their Aging
Changing the subject when your dad mentions his will or your mom brings up assisted living isn’t protecting them—it’s protecting yourself. Parents need to discuss these critical matters with the people they trust most: their children.
Your discomfort with these conversations communicates that you’re unwilling to face the reality of their mortality. This avoidance leaves them feeling isolated with their most significant worries and uncertain about their future care.
Bravely engaging in discussions about health directives, living arrangements, and end-of-life wishes is one of the most profound ways to honor your parents. These conversations, though difficult, demonstrate your commitment to respecting their wishes when they need your advocacy most.
10. Comparing Them Unfavorably to In-Laws or Others
“My in-laws always remember to call the kids” or “My friend’s mom never asks such personal questions.” These comparisons might seem harmless, but they deliver deep wounds to parents who already worry they don’t measure up.
Parents have unique personalities and ways of showing love. When you highlight how others outperform them, you’re not motivating improvement—you’re confirming their secret fears of inadequacy. Instead of comparisons, try direct communication about your needs.
“I’d love if we could talk more about X” works better than highlighting how someone else gets it right. Remember that your parents, despite their flaws, have a singular love for you that deserves appreciation on its own terms.
