If you feel like your partners always end up leaving you, are almost always emotionally distant, and do not appreciate you, there could be psychological reasons why you are attracted to them.
Healed people do not like partners who string them along, who do not want to resolve issues, or who are afraid of attachment.
Here are several psychological reasons why you may be attracting emotionally unavailable partners.
You Mistake Emotional Distance for Stability
Emotional safety should be supportive and comforting, not cold and distant. In order to break the cycle of choosing an emotionally absent partner, it is important to learn how to distinguish between peaceful energy and unavailable energy.
You believe that quiet = secure. If you were raised in a home where there were no emotions expressed or if you did not experience a lot of affection, then you probably associated emotionless calmness with a form of stability.
Therefore, quiet or absent partners tend to bring you comfort rather than concern. So, the first step toward breaking this cycle is learning which types of partners provide you with emotional safety.
You Feel Responsible for “Fixing” People
Many are attracted to emotionally unavailable partners because the desire to fix or heal them is so strong. This likely stems from childhood experiences where they were responsible for managing someone else’s emotions or keeping peace in the family.
They learned to associate love with working for it and being connected through efforts. Emotionally unavailable partners often trigger this old pattern of being needed and wanted, even though it may cause more pain.
Instead of choosing someone who can give them love, they choose someone who needs emotional healing. Realizing this impulse allows them to move away from the fixer role towards healthy relationships where love naturally flows and where you are allowed to be the one who is taken care of too.
You Confuse Intensity With Love
Having a partner who is emotionally unavailable leads to an on-and-off relationship, which gives the illusion of high passion.
However, when you receive their undivided attention, it is so rare that your mind recognizes those brief moments as passion and excitement instead of two fleeting moments when they pay attention to you (after having been emotionally absent for some time).
In reality, the highs of your relationship are a byproduct of anxiety created by the absence of emotional availability. Lasting love grows in a safe environment rather than something that is confusing.
If you are able to break this cycle, you will learn to appreciate the steady and consistent expression of affection, as opposed to the unpredictable burst of emotion and excitement from time to time.
You Fear True Vulnerability
When a partner is not emotionally present, you don’t feel like exposing yourself regarding your innermost feelings and needs; therefore, you stay busy with your feelings but safe from the risk of actually feeling.
When a partner is emotionally distant, you might think, “This relationship won’t work because they won’t express their feelings,” rather than “I am not willing to be vulnerable.”
Understanding why you’re afraid will help you select a partner who is ready and willing to embrace emotional connection and depth with you, rather than running from closeness.
You Are Subconsciously Repeating Old Wounds
Your nervous system tends to return to what feels familiar to you (versus what is healthy). If you experienced emotional absence during childhood, your body has learned to seek out relationships with those who will provide you with that type of emotional absence.
Therefore, choosing the same emotional energy over and over again feels like home, even though it can be painful.
To create a healthy, consistent relationship with someone, you must break that habit and choose a partner who provides stability and security, regardless of whether it feels unnatural initially.
You Believe You Don’t Deserve More
People might choose relationships with partners who are emotionally unavailable, believing they are undeserving of closeness and intimacy with another person.
They usually have low self-esteem, which indicates they should be thankful for whatever love is offered to them, no matter how limited it is. Instead of wanting the whole meal, they find satisfaction in obtaining just the few “crumbs” offered to them.
Often, the basis for accepting such an unhealthy relationship is related to past experiences of being rejected or criticized for who they are.
To break this cycle and start forming healthy attachments to those individuals who provide support and companionship, individuals must first rebuild their self-esteem by realizing that they deserve affectionate relationships, support from others, and emotional availability from others.
You Mistake Their Silence for Strength
Self-sufficient, independent, or mysterious partners may appear strong. You may believe a partner’s silence is a sign of strength. You may then begin to feel that their absence or emotional detachment signifies maturity or confidence.
In fact, true strength is emotional presence, and healthy relationships are established by partners who have the ability to express their feelings openly and honestly.
Understanding this allows you to change the way you view “strong” partners. When you change your perspective on what constitutes a strong partner, you naturally select emotionally engaging and vulnerable partners rather than those who isolate themselves by putting up emotional barriers.
Born and raised in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Ever since I was a little girl, my imagination knew no bounds. I remember vividly how I’d scribble down short stories, each page bursting with adventures and characters conjured up from the whimsy of my mind. These stories weren’t just for me; they were my way of connecting with my friends, offering them a slice of my fantasy world during our playtimes. The joy and excitement on their faces as we dived into my fictional realms motivated me to keep writing. This early passion for storytelling naturally evolved into my pursuit of writing, turning a childhood hobby into a fulfilling career.