It’s typically hard for us to be objective about our own shortcomings. We can all get a little selfish and take other people for granted.
This is even more prominent when it comes to friendships, because we don’t always hold ourselves to the same standards in platonic relationships as we do in romantic.
If you’re wondering whether you’re a good or a bad friend, here are 10 signs that might be pointing to the latter.
1. You Treat Your Friend’s Happiness Like a Competition
When something great happens in your friend’s life, do you genuinely feel happy for them? Or do you secretly feel a little jealous, and even annoyed?
If you find yourself comparing their success to yours, or feeling bitter about what they have achieved, that’s a red flag.
Real friends feel happy for each other, no matter what.
If you keep feeling like happiness is a contest you need to win, then you’re missing the point – which is mutual support and love that leaves no room for jealousy.
Their success should feel like your own if your relationship is genuine.
2. You Belittle Their Achievements and Life Choices
Do you feel a boost of confidence when you get to make your friend feel small? Do their success and choices make you feel insecure?
If you often feel the urge to dismiss or criticize their accomplishments and decisions, it’s a sign that you’re seeking to elevate yourself above them.
You don’t truly care about their well-being.
True friends never tear each other down, and even when you disagree with some of their choices, you make sure to find a way to say it that won’t make them feel bad.
When you’re choosing to act like their success doesn’t matter, you’re just trying to feel bigger than them.
That’s not concern or support – it’s 不安全感 hidden in plain sight.
3. Their Growth Triggers Your Insecurities
When your friends grow and level up in their business or personal lives, does it make you feel kind of uncomfortable?
Do you feel threatened or start comparing yourself to them?
You might be insecure about your own progress.
Instead of being happy and celebrating them, you might find yourself feeling resentful 或 left behind.
Good friends inspire each other; they don’t make each other feel bad for being successful.
If someone else’s growth makes you uneasy, it’s time to reflect on why you’re feeling that way and to work on your confidence.
4. You Mostly Reach Out When It’s Convenient
Friendships aren’t always convenient, and true care and solidarity show when you choose to be there for someone, even when it is inconvenient for you.
If you only contact your friend when it suits you, or when you need a favor, you’re treating them more like an accessory than a real person.
You’re supposed to be there for each other through thick and thin, not just when you’re bored or need something from them.
If your interactions are mostly one-sided 或 opportunistic, you’re not truly there for them.
5. You Talk Down to Them in Front of Others
There’s a subtle difference between joking around at someone’s expense and putting them down.
If you find yourself being condescending or making them feel small in front of others, that’s a serious sign of disrespect.
Real friends care about each other’s dignity, whether that’s in a crowd or in private.
However, if you’re more interested in feeling superior and boosting your ego, then their friendship clearly isn’t your priority.
Respect is the foundation of any relationship, and if you don’t have it, it’s time to rethink your attitude.
6. You Gaslight Them During Conflicts
When you mess up or say something wrong, do you take responsibility?
Or do you resort to mental gymnastics, twist the story, and deny your fault? Would you rather let your friend question their own sanity than admit you might have been wrong?
Gaslighting is emotional manipulation that forces people to doubt what they know to be true, and it’s a major betrayal of trust.
Good friends know when to apologize and learn from their mistakes.
If you’re comfortable shifting the blame to them, then you don’t genuinely care about their feelings.
7. You Only Show Interest in Their Struggles When It Suits You
Friends confide in each other whenever they’re dealing with something or if they just need someone to vent to.
Do you show up when they need that? Or are you only interested in their problems when you want gossip or when it benefits you somehow?
If you don’t actually care about their well-being, and use their vulnerability for entertainment, then you’re no friend at all.
Your connection is superficial at best, if not outright fake.
People who are genuine show up because they care, not because they’re getting something out of it.
8. You Punish Them by Withholding Attention
Some people tend to use silence as a weapon. If your friend managed to upset or annoy you, would you resort to ignoring them as a form of punishment?
If this is your way to get back at them, you’re being kind of toxic.
You don’t get to punish or control them; you only get to communicate your feelings and leave if you don’t like their response.
Withholding attention as punishment creates distance, and every time you do it, you lose some of their trust.
If you’re guilty of this behavior, consider why you’re doing it and how it affects your relationship.
9. You Guilt-Trip Them When You Want Something
Do you ask directly when you want something? Or do you guilt-trip them into giving you what you want, in case they don’t comply?
You’re looking for a quick win, instead of negotiating with your friend, and ultimately, respecting their decision.
This is the classic case of walking over someone’s 边界, and it’s emotional blackmail.
If you care about someone, ask honestly and accept their answer, whatever it is. Arguing it out with them is far more honest and healthy than manipulating them to get what you want.
10. You’re Supportive Only When It Makes You Look Good
Is your support conditional?
If you only support your friends and hold their hand when it makes you look good in front of others, that’s quite 谫陋.
Genuine support is often quiet, and it doesn’t expect applause or recognition.
If you’re there for them just so you could cultivate a certain image, then your support is performative at best.
If any of these sound familiar, perhaps it’s time to ask yourself what kind of friend you really want to be.
A little Aquarius, devoted to writing and embroidery. Through my writing, I hope to empower readers to align with their true selves and navigate life’s mysteries with confidence.