Should You Get Back With Your Ex? Ask Yourself These 6 Questions First!

Breaking up is hard, but deciding whether to get back together might be even harder.

When your ex suddenly reappears in your life or you find yourself missing what you once had, it’s tempting to jump right back in.

But before you take that leap, it’s worth pausing to reflect on what went wrong and what might be different this time around.

1. Why did we break up in the first place?

The root causes of your breakup hold important clues about your relationship’s viability. Were there deal-breakers like cheating, abuse, or fundamental value differences? Or was it circumstantial—bad timing, distance, or external stress?

Temporary problems might be solvable, but deep-seated issues rarely disappear without serious work. Many couples romanticize their past while conveniently forgetting the painful parts that drove them apart.

Ask yourself honestly: Has anything changed that would prevent the same problems from happening again? Without addressing the original breakup reasons, you’re likely setting yourself up for another round of heartbreak.

2. Have both of us grown since we split?

Personal growth isn’t just about time passing—it’s about meaningful change. Since your breakup, have you worked on yourself? More importantly, has your ex evolved in ways that address previous relationship issues?

Real growth might look like therapy, new communication skills, or managing anger differently. Someone who hasn’t changed will likely bring the same behaviors back into your relationship.

Watch for actions rather than promises. If your ex claims transformation but still exhibits old patterns during casual interactions, proceed with caution. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior unless there’s evidence of genuine development.

3. Am I missing them or just feeling lonely?

Loneliness can masquerade as love when your heart aches for connection. During lonely moments, our minds tend to highlight the good memories while conveniently blurring out the painful ones.

Try this experiment: Make a list of what you specifically miss about your ex versus what you miss about being in a relationship generally. If your longing centers around cuddles, Netflix nights, and having a plus-one for events, you might just miss companionship—not this specific person.

Fear of being alone shouldn’t drive relationship decisions. Healthy reconciliation comes from wanting that particular person, not just anyone who can fill the empty space beside you.

4. What do I actually want from reconnecting?

Clarity about your intentions prevents misalignment and future disappointment. Are you seeking closure, friendship, casual dating, or committed partnership? Your motivations might range from validation that they still want you to genuine belief you’re right for each other.

Sometimes we pursue exes to prove something—that we’re desirable, that the breakup was a mistake, or that we’ve changed. These ego-driven motivations rarely lead to lasting happiness.

Be brutally honest with yourself about what you’re really after. If it’s just the comfort of familiarity or temporary emotional support, you might find healthier ways to meet those needs without reopening old wounds.

5. Can we communicate better this time around?

Communication breakdowns lurk behind most relationship failures. Before reuniting, gauge whether you both can discuss difficult topics without falling into old destructive patterns like stonewalling, criticism, or defensiveness.

A promising sign? You’re able to talk calmly about what went wrong last time. If conversations about your past still trigger arguments or one person shuts down, that’s a red flag.

Healthy reconciliation requires vulnerability from both parties. Neither person should shoulder all the blame or responsibility for change. When testing these waters, start with low-stakes conversations before diving into emotional territory—you’ll quickly see if communication styles have truly evolved.

6. Are we rushing back into old patterns?

The familiar pull of an ex can lead to skipping important rebuilding steps. When couples reunite, they often slide right back into their previous relationship dynamic—complete with all its problems.

Healthy reconciliation means creating something new, not just resuming where you left off. This requires patience: dating again slowly, establishing fresh boundaries, and consciously designing your relationship differently.

Watch for red flags like immediate intensity, skipping difficult conversations, or jumping straight to physical intimacy. These shortcuts might feel good temporarily but bypass the essential work of rebuilding trust. A relationship worth reviving deserves the time to develop proper foundations.