Dealing With People Who Self-Sabotage Without Making It Worse

It can be infuriating to watch someone you care about shoot themselves in the foot. 

You try to help, you give advice, you offer support, but they still do the opposite of what’s good for them.

However, self-sabotage isn’t a reflection of simple stubbornness; there’s usually a much deeper cause to this kind of behavior.

So, let’s see what’s really going on, and how you might help without making it worse.

The Root Causes

Most of the time, self-sabotage is born from deep-seated fears and insecurities.

People might fear failure because they had a bad experience in the past. They might also be afraid of change, or even success.

So, they unconsciously sabotage their efforts to avoid facing those fears.

It’s a protective (and destructive) mechanism that stems from past experiences, trauma, and low self-esteem.

And it’s a wicked cycle; the more they self-sabotage, the less their able to actually achieve anything, and their self-esteem only gets worse.

So, try to understand that they’re not trying to ruin things; they only want to protect themselves, the only way they know how.

Self-Sabotage Is Often Unconscious

People who self-sabotage commonly aren’t fully aware of what they’re doing and why. It’s an automatic response driven by their subconscious beliefs. 

They might genuinely want to succeed or change, but something inside them keeps pushing back.

And trying to shame them for it only pushes them further into denial and defensiveness. 

You can try to help them by being patient, and getting them to recognize their patterns little by little.

Encouraging their self-awareness is much more effective.

Don’t Make It About You

When you do your best to help someone and they proceed to self-sabotage, it can feel personal or like a failure on your part, but it’s rarely about you.

Their behavior is a reflection of their personal struggles, and it has nothing to do with your relationship or anything you might have said.

It’s important for you to maintain emotional boundaries here.

Getting upset can only trigger their defense mechanisms and make them withdraw.

Keep in mind that their self-sabotage isn’t about you; however, your reaction can actually influence how things go from there.

Approach them with empathy, and offer quiet support while they figure it out.

Manage Your Expectations

If you’re going to be by someone as they try to deal with their self-sabotage tendencies, it’s crucial to be reasonable with your expectations.

They certainly don’t need any more guilt and burden as they navigate this problem.

Plus, this pattern of behavior has been with them for a long time; it’s impossible to get rid of it at once.

Their progress is most likely going to be slow and inconsistent.

What you can do is protect your emotional health and try not to get involved like it’s your personal issue.

If they sense you’re becoming impatient or resentful, things might only get worse.

Support Their Progress

Big milestones, in general, are rare, and this goes for battling self-sabotage, as well.

Instead of expecting radical transformation, be by your friend or significant other who’s healing from this, and celebrate the small steps they take in the right direction.

Positive reinforcement helps them see that success is possible, and makes them feel accomplished.

Also, by recognizing their efforts, you reduce pressure and give them more space to grow.

Over time, step by step, they can have a good chance of getting rid of these harmful tendencies with your support.

Don’t Try to Solve It for Them

When we’re outside looking in, it’s tempting to swoosh in, wanting to fix things for our loved ones, but that doesn’t help.

People need to figure out their own solutions, and pushing them can only backfire.

Your role is to support and listen; sometimes, just having someone you can vent to can help with the self-sabotage.

You can’t force them to make a change because it has to come from within.

However, you can contribute to an environment where they feel safe to explore their issues and make a mistake or two.

Address Your Own Reactions

Supporting someone who has a tendency to self-sabotage can be draining and infuriating. It’s easy to become resentful of them as they make the same mistake over and over.

But it’s essential to manage your own emotions before addressing theirs. 

If you’re overwhelmed, you might become impatient or critical, and that can ruin everything.

This is why boundaries are crucial. You have your own life and your own set of problems; you can’t also be held fully responsible for theirs.

Take some time alone, give yourself and them some space, so that you can approach them in a calm, empathetic manner.

When you’re emotionally stable, you can be a much better support for them.

Shaming Them Won’t Get You Anywhere

Some people resort to using guilt and shame in order to get their loved ones to stop their self-sabotage habit, but that rarely works.

They try to remind them of what they’re missing out on, or how they disappoint everyone, but that only triggers more feelings of unworthiness.

Try to focus on positive reinforcement or simply don’t get involved.

You can be honest about your feelings and remind them that they messed up without attacking their character.

Try to encourage them to open up instead of triggering defensiveness.

If you’re someone they chose to trust, shaming them is the worst thing you can do.

Know When to Suggest Professional Help

It’s a good call to consult a therapist or a counselor when it comes to self-sabotage, as these issues can sometimes run very deep.

It can ruin their self-esteem, push them into addiction, and even cause mental health problems.

At this point, the best way to support them is to help them look for the right resources, and maybe accompany them if they like.

You’re not a therapist, and trying to be their only support during this time can actually do more harm than good.

Professionals can spot patterns and provide insights that the rest of us simply can’t.

Recognizing when it’s time to leave it to a professional and step back is a sign of genuine care.