Breaking up with an avoidant isn’t as straightforward as you might think.
When a relationship runs its course, and you finally decide to end it, you might feel better if your ex were crying, reaching out, or begging for another chance.
However, they don’t work that way.
To an avoidant, a rottura comes as a relief and a breath of fresh air.
It might be a heartbreak for you, but for them, it’s freedom – in the beginning, at least.
1. Phase 1: Protecting Their Ego
The first couple of weeks after a breakup, an avoidant’s mind kicks into damage control.
They start rewriting the facts, blaming you for being too needy, for pushing too hard, for not understanding…
They might convince themselves that you just wanted different things, and that the relationship was too overwhelming.
The truth doesn’t concern them in this phase – it’s all about their ego.
Admitting that they were the problem means taking accountability, acknowledging that they have a fear of intimacy.
So, they’d rather create a narrative that paints them as the victim and you as the crazy ex.
2. Phase 2: The Flatline
By two to four months post-breakup, many avoidants hit the so-called “flatline.” They start to grieve, but not in the way you’d think.
Essi miss the potential of what could have been, but still tell themselves that it’s all for the better.
Slowly, they start processing what happened. They throw themselves into their work, go on some dates, and occasionally think about you.
They’re in a space where they’re emotionally numb, trying to detach from the loss.
They’re quietly rebuilding their emotional walls, convincing themselves they’re better off without all that messy relationship stuff.
3. Phase 3: Selective Memory
In four to six months after a breakup, something weird happens to an avoidant: they start remembering the good stuff.
Nostalgia gets to them, so they remember the fun they had with you, your laughter, and the comfort you provided.
Conveniently, they forget your unmet needs and their suffocation.
The bad memories fade into the background, leaving an avoidant with the romanticized version of the relationship.
In their mind, you start to seem amazing and no longer a threat to their autonomy.
This happens because they’d had months of freedom and no longer feel trapped.
4. Phase 4: Regret
Six to eight months in, reality finally hits an avoidant.
They begin to realize that they might have messed up and, as a result, lost someone special.
They start stalking your social media, asking friends about you, and even trying to contact you again. They’re testing the waters to see if you’re still available.
Sometimes, they don’t go beyond that, but other times, they compare new people to you and can’t get you out of their head.
This is pure nostalgia mixed with some solitudine.
They might not miss you, but the familiarity. They’re longing for the past, which doesn’t mean they’re ready to do anything differently and fix their ways.
5. Phase 5: Coming Back
This is when they’re most likely to reach out, often in a nonchalant way. They’d like to just slide back into your life without much fuss and explanation.
However, before you allow an avoidant back in, ask some questions. What’s different this time around? Have they done any work on themselves?
Are they finally ready to commit, or are they just lonely and confused?
Their answers might be fumbled and shallow, or the questions might scare them off altogether.
Though you might be hoping that things would be better on your next try, understand that their attempts to come back are mainly a matter of impulse.
They’re most likely not changed, and they’ll just drag you back into their avoidant cycle.
6. Why Avoidants Keep Repeating the Cycle
Avoidants might experience heartbreak, but it won’t get them to leave their loop.
Every time, they’ll choose fear over love, stuck in the habit of pulling away just when things get serious.
They might like the idea of a committed relationship, but they’re not willing to put in the work and vulnerability necessary for it to function.
It’s absolutely possible for them to break the cycle, but it’s not easy, so many of them give up even before they try.
7. The Bitter Truth
Avoidants aren’t really after love – they’re after the idea of love.
In their head, there’s a fairytale in which they have a lovely relationship with a partner who doesn’t have any expectations of them.
They’re simply not wired for true intimacy.
Their pattern is to cycle through loss, nostalgia, and fleeting connections, always avoiding the vulnerability that real love demands.
If they truly wanted to work on the relationships, they wouldn’t wait almost a year to reach out.
Instead, they’d confront their fears and cultivate different habits.
However, most of the time, they choose their comfort zone over love, and that’s why a genuine connection with avoidants remains out of reach for many people.
A little Aquarius, devoted to writing and embroidery. Through my writing, I hope to empower readers to align with their true selves and navigate life’s mysteries with confidence.