Usually, people believe that a narcissist is confident, fearless, assertive, powerful, and/or dominant.
A narcissist appears confident and self-assured at first glance, but below that, their self-image is delicately fragile and carefully protected; however, the things that truly scare them tend to be quiet, subtle, and often not visible to the masses.
In addition to that, their fears tend to take away from their sense of control, expose them as feeling insecure, and/or remove the attention they rely on. By understanding this about a narcissistic individual, we can also gain better insight into their actions and reactions.
1. Being Ignored
The worst thing that can happen to a narcissist is to be ignored. Attention is what gives them energy. When they don’t receive an answer to a message or get no reaction at all, they quietly freak out.
Silence takes away their feeling of importance, and being ignored makes them feel like nothing. They may try to get attention back by acting out or by increasing their level of aggression.
The feeling of indifference is more threatening to their self-image than direct confrontation is. When attention is gone, their internal identity crisis becomes apparent to them and others.
2. Losing Control Over Others
Narcissists are afraid of losing control. They feel secure in their ability to control others, so the ability for others to make their own choices or establish boundaries is chaotic for them.
The fear of losing this control often leads to manipulative or guilt-inducing tactics used on others.
3. Being Exposed As Insecure
Narcissistic people create a confident and superior image while expending a lot of energy ensuring that no one sees any form of vulnerability, as this causes them to feel terrified.
Any form of criticism (even non-critical) makes them feel exposed. They fear others seeing their doubt, shame, or weakness. Because of this, narcissists react defensively very quickly; to them, exposure is a direct threat to exposing the false self they try to hide.
For narcissists, their image is more important than the truth; being seen for who they really are is considered too threatening.
4. Emotional Independence
Narcissists are threatened when someone stops emotionally relying on them. Without the ability to use emotional leverage over someone, they lose control.
When someone doesn’t need their approval, their power diminishes, and they often become more aggressive in trying to regain their importance, as emotional independence strips away that power.
Narcissists prefer to have someone emotionally dependent on them so they can continue to maintain control and place themselves in a position of importance.
5. Accountability
Deep fear is triggered by holding narcissists accountable. Taking accountability will challenge their “story” by holding them responsible instead of allowing them to shift blame.
Narcissists frequently use excuses or denial to avoid being held accountable for any consequences. Accountability also places their self-image in jeopardy. For a narcissist, admitting blame is simply unbearable.
This fear leads to either deflecting blame, becoming enraged, or going silent. Taking responsibility removes the illusion of being perfect that they rely upon.
6. Calm Boundaries
Narcissists are most anxious about firm boundaries one may set. When a boundary is created without any emotion, the narcissist does not have the ability to manipulate those boundaries using emotional or physical responses.
The calmness of the boundary is simply a form of resilience to the narcissist’s attempts at manipulation. Narcissists often respond by escalating their reactions when the boundaries are set and remain unbroken.
A boundary removes access to a person; access is fundamental to the narcissist’s sense of entitlement and control.
7. Being Replaced
Fear of irrelevance is common for narcissists. They become anxious when thinking about others moving on without them. If someone has someone new to replace them, then they were never special or significant.
The anxiety that arises from feeling replaced often translates into jealousy or sabotage. Narcissists also need to believe they will never be replaced.
The prospect of being replaced threatens their identity and the narrative of their superiority.
8. Emotional Detachment
Once narcissists can no longer work to manipulate/control others through emotional drama or validation from emotional reactions, they become destabilized emotionally.
The calm absence of emotional engagement creates a powerlessness for the narcissist to create conflict. Hence, emotional detachment will make narcissists feel afraid because emotional neutrality takes away from having control over others.
Emotional detachment represents a strength of the other that the narcissist cannot control.
9. Others’ Success Without Them
The success of others can make narcissists feel insecure. They want to feel superior to other people and want to be needed by others.
If someone achieves success without them being a part of it, it makes them feel like they are no longer important. When someone achieves something independently, it is an example of autonomy and confidence.
The fact that the person achieved this quietly shows that the narcissist failed to control them.
10. Being Truly Known
Narcissists want to avoid being completely known because they only want to be put on a pedestal. That’s why their fear of intimacy causes them to keep their relationships shallow and conditional.
They fear losing all their illusions, so they won’t have an authentic relationship with someone as long as they still care about the illusion of who they are.
This is the same reason for their emotional distance and inconsistency. An authentic connection is very vulnerable, and they cannot stand that level of vulnerability.
Born and raised in Bosnia and Herzegovina. Ever since I was a little girl, my imagination knew no bounds. I remember vividly how I’d scribble down short stories, each page bursting with adventures and characters conjured up from the whimsy of my mind. These stories weren’t just for me; they were my way of connecting with my friends, offering them a slice of my fantasy world during our playtimes. The joy and excitement on their faces as we dived into my fictional realms motivated me to keep writing. This early passion for storytelling naturally evolved into my pursuit of writing, turning a childhood hobby into a fulfilling career.